Bare with me.
A person, that said this to me:
You have had children and your a father why do you need a child?. to love.
She just couldnt understand, That it wasnt just to have a child, to replace the one that past away.it was to replace me and my dead heart, each child in the last 5 yrs, started to bring that out of me. and each time they are taking away, added walls are put up.each partners love becomes hate. each partner love is Killed, dont ya think,more walls are added?.
With this person,she to couldnt have anymore children, but we and she talked of ways to obtain,after this issue with DOCS was settled once and for all. those idea formed and built upon and reshaped and played with and yeah, nothing solid, cos of the issue with docs. but still plans and dreams and desires were spoken.
But, cos, I felt that a child would enhance our relationship, She didnt. Saying you dont need a child to love.
Well, on Xmas eve after the ending. the thinking and the analysing kicked in. And I started to question myself on the issue of wanting a child compared to love. tossing and turning, waking up so bloody early, like around 6-7am, when before around 10-11am.
Then I asked myself whats more important? a child or love.?. I wont lie, yes, I want a child of my own so much,so very much. But I also want love, its hard to get that child, and she is right, I dont need a child to love her, I know I already did. I fell in love and didnt utter a bloody stinking word, Dickhead me,Ay.
What is more important?.I pray so much for the dreams and desires,I beg god so much,I cry and think, why all this, whats it for, to give a little and take away a lot. I prayed and prayed, and he must of tested me, by the meeting with WJ: and I failed.
I believe i am romantically emotional at heart when it comes to love and what all humans claim is the Bond to all hope tween two people in that love.
Even she said I am old fashion, That just good values and manners and respect, that I learnt from mistakes.

so yeah! I have to accept,if i want love, I have to have it as it comes.
its it logical to try and mend and then try to start with a stranger?.
This one already knows me, the ending was not how it was meant to be.
It comes down to, what are you willing to sacrifice for love ?.
And Yes, dont matter which way this is turned, DOCS started it all off.