A WEEK AT THE GYM ONE MAN'S STORY


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary


For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary
to chart my progress . . .

MONDAY

Started my day at 600 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something
of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work
on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a vasectomy.


Another great laugh thanx to ma! And if this doesn't scare you straight into an eating binge, I don't know what will. Hold on tight,take a deep breath, bend over and kiss your *ss goodbye,'cause retirement isn't pretty!!!