Thanks, JJ. [Linked Image]

I'm glad your mom took responsibility. For me, that would have been hugely healing and relieving for both me and Mom. I think it is rather common that, as you said, parents unwittingly pass on their emotional baggage. I'm sure I'll be apologizing some day, too. shy

I remember feeling some resentments toward my dad once I was an adult. But when I told him what they were he said, "You know what? You are right. I did make mistakes. And I'm sorry. And if there is anything I can do or if you want to talk to me about it any time, then I'm here for you."

And voila! magic I felt fantastic. All of the perceived wrongs melted away. And since that day some years ago, I have felt nothing but love and respect for him. Lots. yes I think, for me anyway, all I really want is for the person who hurt me to take responsibility for it. Can't go back and change it. And I wouldn't want to lose the wisdom that came with the pain. But I guess I just need that person to step up if I am going to be able to have free-flow love with them.

But Mom did not want to talk about it let alone take responsibility. She'd often say, "Why are you doing this to me?" whenever I tried to get her to discuss stuff. Or she'd begin to cry, etc. It would just add to my hurt and anger. All she wanted to do was talk about the weather and "light" things. I would be like a bear with a sore tooth after talking to her. It was like being rejected on dozens of levels by her. So one day after she said, "Why are you doing this to me?" I said, "Would you rather I not talk about anything meaningful to me...and just talk about frivolous things like the weather?" And she said, "Yes," and she looked relieved. After that I decided I couldn't talk to her any more. And I told her that. It was so hard to do...


Wednesday 08.11.06

For some reason I have been paralysed in taking the final step to cut Mom off forever. I know that my pain will subside and I will finally gain mastery over some of my problems if I can extract her from my life. But whenever I think of telling Mom I am finished with her for good, I cannot seem to make the move.

I still harbour some fear, as ridiculous as it is, that my life in Australia, after 10 beautiful, successful years, might not work out. And then what if I needed to go back to the U.S. and I have no family to go back to (which is rubbish thinking). But there the fear was underneath it all.

This is further evidence that my ties with my mom are not based on love, but on fear (insurance). As if there is ever really any insurance and safety net in life, and as if my family would really provide any kind of "ensurance".

Last night I prayed and begged God to please help me get clarity on this issue. I woke this morning from a startling dream a bit before my alarm was set to wake me.

In the dream I had been experiencing inch-wide red welts that looked like insect bites.

And by the way, this has been true recently in waking life. These huge lumps would materialize during the day, itching fiercely and in several cases seemed to have puncture marks, though these marks were caused by my furious scratching away of skin.

I didn’t know what was causing these welts. In the dream I went to a doctor who thought they might be bites, but I could not see how I’d be getting bites for several days in a row. I considered the possibility that there may be an insect in my bed, but I had not seen anything when I pulled back the sheets.

That night I went to bed in my dream. The dream bed looked just like my real bed with a heavy gold bedspread. As I lay there I noticed a bit of movement coming from under the covers. The bedspread had been folded halfway back as usual, and a small crease had created a little tunnel opening near the area of movement. The fold was shrouded in darkness but as I looked more intently I saw a bit of fuzzy black in there. My fear began rapidly rising. It was a funnel web spider! It was pitch black in colour, was as large as my hand, and had huge gleaming fangs.

Once I saw it fully, it came crawling out.

A horrible realization poured over me as I realized that this horrifying, dangerous, deadly spider had been in bed with me for nights! Just then it sank its fangs into my hand.

I cannot imagine anything scarier than this scenario.

I now had no choice. It was "me or the spider". I grabbed it in both hands, swung my arms over to the side of the bed, and began tearing and breaking the spider in half. The meat inside was pure white (probably because I once saw a documentary where some people cooked a tarantula and the meat was white).


I knew this dream was symbolic of my mom as the spider. Later in the morning I kept clairaudiently hearing the Bardot song "Poison", but it went like this: don’t it make you mad, don’t it make you sad, just remember I can be poison.



In the end, just before she died, and knowing she was going to, I relented and spoke to her. The last conversation I had with her I told her that I loved her and that I had a good childhood (which I did). But I knew that I just couldn't have continued a relationship with her when she was so insistent upon superficiality. But I didn't want her to die without my saying those positive things - even if we both knew it was only a bandaid covering a gaping wound.