How wonderful of you to go ahead and read it and comment despite the yucky topic! Good on ya! highfive

And it really helps me so much to get feedback like this and learn more about you, my sister.

I have always had serious arachnophobia. I have two very early memories in my life of terror and spiders, one was when I was about 2 or 3. My mom ran the bathtub and there was a little spider that had crawled up the spout (I think there is a song about that thinking) and when the water came out of the spout, it rendered the spider limb from limb. I was utterly aware of this whole scene being Little Miss Detail, whereas my mom wouldn't have had a clue. I began yelling out in terror that mom had to come immediately. "A spider, A spider!" She knew I was terrified of them (though neither of my parents had a fear of spiders - hint, not a learned behaviour in this case). Anyway, she kind of chuckled and said, "But it's dead." I didn't care, I wanted the water drained, and every single strand of spider DNA removed from the bathtub before I could even fathom getting in there! She fished out the bits (and we are talking wee bits as it was a tiny spider). She coaxed me in and left me to my bath and sure enough, my fiercely hunting eyes found a leg floating in the water. I was outta there!

The other memory was of the same age. I was no more than 3 as I was in a daycare that I only attended up to that age. I used to love going to the chain-link fence in the yard there where a leafy plant grew. Many of the leaves of this plant would be folded over and contain a little green caterpillar. The leaf was held together with a bit of silk. I would open each leaf like it was a little present and marvel at the caterpillar inside. I was not afraid of them at all. Well, after a while I opened a leaf and out jumped a green spider! It was the same colour as the caterpillars, but moved in that awful mechanical spider way, swift and on many hinges. I screamed!! And never opened another leaf, much to the relief of the poor caterpillars.

For some reason spiders are symbols of fear for some of us. So for us, they are things we most have to face in order to overcome fear. Oh, I might add that my son does not fear spiders (not learned or genetic). He certainly had no fear of them as an infant like I did. His are (get this...) dogs. Even puppies! That is why I now have a fleet of dogs. It was my husband's brilliant (no sarcasm, I swear) idea to acquire dogs to help my son overcome his intense fear of them. It was getting to the point he didn't want to leave the house for fear he may run into a dog outside. But I wouldn't want us to get carried away and get pet spiders! freaked Or would I? thinking

Let me paste in a sampling of my journal entries that relate to this topic of spiders and fear:

Originally Posted by Dream from Journal
A bit of dream I remember from last night is stepping out of the car, onto the sidewalk of an area in the city. As I walked I noticed the parking meters had huge dark lumps at their base. By noticing them, I realized they were spiders. I further realized they were probably funnel webs. I was freaked out realizing that they were probably there most of the time. But by noticing them, and eliciting fear in myself, they began to move. I felt they would move toward me and I knew them to be aggressive so I quickened my pace, hoping not be be bitten. They were female. And greyish in colour though I knew they were naturally black. I also understood that if I had never noticed them (as I hadn't in the past), they would never have been a threat. So noticing them brought them to life. This is the message I often receive...see and focus only on positive because whatever is focused on is what will “be”.


Originally Posted by Another dream
I went back to the office area determined to do better at my job as secretary even if I didn't like conforming. I picked up a post-it notepad (blue) so I could write notes on it trying hard to intend to work and knowing how against my grain it is. I lifted the first sheet of paper and underneath it I saw a spider webbing and empty spider sacs. Every page was the same (with spider stuff). I was slightly horrified and I couldn't use any of the papers. When I lifted one of the pages I wondered if there was a spider buried in a sac and just then I saw some legs start to poke through.

Then I found myself transported to my childhood home and I was in the front yard at night. The spider came out from the pages and it is long and thin. Despite my horror of spiders I found it somehow cute. I wondered how I could find it cute when I am so afraid of spiders. It quickly grew before my eyes to have the sweet face of a dog, and then becomes an adorable dog. But I found it hard to shake the knowledge that it was born of a spider.


Originally Posted by From my Journal
I just get more of the same, integration of father and mother. I woke this morning saying, "I must love Lilith". Upon waking, intellectually I know that she is perhaps the most ultimate Mother-icon. I saw a shape. And it was large and white. It represented her, but as always, as I wake, I have to translate what I know in my larger out-of-body sense with the brain's limited comprehension and faculities. So I was thinking...what is this shape, and I thought Is it a rodent? As I think I sensed a fur about it. Then no.... Oh, is it the sun? I thought that because I realized it was round and had things sticking out of it (maybe like drawing a picture of a sun). And I thought...no...Ah, maybe it's a spider. A big white spider. I thought, Maybe my ultimate fear is to reunite totally with the mother. I did have a dream a while back about a huge white spider. I think it is the ultimate fear that I must over come. And as much as I dooo soooo fear spiders, I thought, whatever is needed, I will do it. I will.

Why do I fear it? Maybe because when we broke off from the whole and we descended over a period of time our first iterations on earth were in a spiritual form still more close to the original (all-loving balanced spirit). But we slowly fell further and further (hence the garden of Eden). As we did so, a few civilizations back (before the flood), we split into two sexes. And then we descended all the way down to the lowest. Which I guess is primitive human. As we start our upward ascent, we start to become more like what we originally were. And all of this split and reuinion is growth just like cells splitting. Why we are afraid is because as we were broken down into our lowest form and we took on pure physical, we lost our memory of our divine. That was necessary. And so we are blind and afraid of that which we do not know (or in other words, what we do not "remember"). Terrified of it. Unknown is scary. But as I reach more toward it, the rewards are amazing. As I conquer each fear and receive rewards for it, it helps me intellectually know that next time, no matter how much my body reacts with fear (and it does) I should gently, but insistently push it forward. (Like giving birth)! That is how to progress.



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I'm so happy you chose to face your fear of spiders and read this post and reply! It has brought me such happiness to explore this topic further and in such great company (you!!!). love2