Whew! Let me start by saying...smoooooch on those gapping boo-boos! I'm sorry if any of this has brought up emotional vomit for you. I know it's hard to unlock that door.

I'm thinking that your moms life theme might have been 'scapegoat'and I'm wondering if that's maybe the reason she chose the battles w/cancer. Maybe the cancer was not just a lesson in bravery, but also lesson in facing things 'head on' instead of sweeping it under the rug.

I'm Glad that things are better for you & dad. I know how freeing it is to have someone take those nasty resentful feelings away from you & say "I own them now...go be free!" And not to mention how liberating it is to be the one to take them & admitt responsibility for the wrong doing. Not to have to look over his shoulder anymore to see if that guilt is creepin up on him. Good for you both!

You are a very compassionate soul to make sure she went hearing love from you. Even if it was a giant bandaid. What would love do? Very good example of "be love" Alisa. I'm sure weather you are conscious of it or not, it promoted growth at soul level for you.

Spider...eeek! hate 'em!

I used to dream of litterally beating the stuffin out of my mom when I was pregnant. I attributed it to resentment & fear that I might turn out to be the same kind of mother as she. So in my dreams I was almost making it as if she didn't exist any more, or like in this 'version'(my dream) "I will ride top not you!" Ya know.

I still til this day feel so guilty for those dreams,but I'm able to accept that this was just my subconscious working out the motherhood kinks & default programming in my conscious before my baby came!

Thanks again for sharing in such depth, & for the continued trust in sharing your journal. I don't think I've ever been givin the chance to delve so deeply into one's soul having never met them in person.