You litterally make my heart weep! In such a good way. Thank you so much for those kind words,& saying 'ditto' doesn't do justice, but you just left me speechless...which is hard to do w/such a blabber mouth as I... so ditto! I can only say that I feel exactly the same about you.

YOUR making your mind open, I'm just filling it!

I learn so much from you, & your dedication to what "runs" you - connectedness! You yourself are one of the best teachers I've ever met,right up there w/ma. You don't just talk about being a tool(as I've interpreted some of your stories), but you live it! By just keeping up w/this site the way you do, spreading knowledge & reason for thought. Thought IS creation.....and look what you've created!

Aww, how sweet of you to use "Jame" I havn't heard that in so long, thank you Alisa - that brought tears to my eyes! I tend to think we have givin eachother the little "chat", & that you were sent to me, but we won't argue about details.

And how right of you to point out the duality of every aspect,as it does indeed make sense to mix in the dark w/the light on the point of keeping the ugliness of her death in the same forum. Brilliant - I don't know how I can write about bravery, & forget this? KUDOS MASTER, MUCH TO TEACH YOU HAVE!

I can't tell you how your relationship w/your mom resonates w/the relationship I had w/my mom. Absolutely uncanny! For years I pushed her away,trying to prove my independence. In my mom's latter life she was a bit co-dependent. And I always felt like "Why were you so strong before, and so needy now?" I would become consistantly frusterated w/her, ignoring or forgetting what a mainstay she had been in my life...cocky,cocky,cocky! And selfish I was sometimes, not to return the unconditional love that she provided & taught me 'til the end of her life.

Don't misunderstand me, I loved my mom w/all of my being,she was my best friend & teacher, and I was very aware of it when she was still alive. But since about the age of 17 or so our relationship took a turn of "role reversal" at times. She being a single mother of three, had her stresses & didn't always handle them in the best of ways. Sometimes she would "paraspouse" me(me being her oldest), & through that I had a hard time learning where my place was w/my mom, as I felt like an equal instead of her child. This caused much friction between us,as both were always fighting "to ride top" as she would say.

We have had a very passionate relationship our whole lives, blow for blow.We have said things that some may find unforgivable, we have done things just as bad to eachother. We have judged eachother, yelled at eachother, called eachother things that I wouldn't call most enemies - but the bond has never broken! Some thing my mom used to say to me that used to piss me off to no end "We butt heads w/eachother because we are the same person Jame - just different versions!" How absolutely right she is - was -is!! I am just like her, I am strong minded, cocky, & sometimes(maybe more than I'd like to admit), - judgemental. I will own that, but mind you - still growing & still learning as she still was, & I wasn't aware.

Also I am compassionate, openminded & forgiving - just like her. And I'll take the good w/the bad, because as we've said before "It's all good-just different levels".

I would rather share our defects as part of the deal, rather than not being a part of her at all. She was the wisest teacher I have ever been blessed to learn from. She taught me the kind of mother that I didn't want to be, & helped me become the mother that I am today. She taught me to question everything - & accept nothing as the 'end all' when your spirituality is at stake. She taught me how to love, share, enlighten, lead, heal, nurture, help, ask, recieve, give, laugh, cry & how to tie my shoes. I miss her every minute of my existance, but I know she hasn't left me, as her words resonate with me everyday - even when I don't intend to hear them.

To me, my mom has taugt me the most IMPORTANT & what I believe to be the MAIN lesson our souls come to earth to learn - DUALITY! The love/hate, the pain/healing, the black/white, dark/light, good/bad, pos/neg - I have learned & experienced all of it w/ HER! There are many people in life that will teach you alot in some areas, but only a few that will teach you a little in all areas! I like to describe her as a person who knows a little about alot - and alot about even more!

She used to have this saying she'd use when I came to her venting about someone who had stepped on my toes in some way, "Be LOVE" or "What would LOVE do?". I would be standing in front of her (or pacing as I do when I'm truley peeved), ranting & raving about what I would like to do to that person to teach a lesson! She would listen intently, sometimes being totally obvious - but unaware that she was sucking up my emotions like a sponge(we had a way of feeling eachother's pain on levels that I can't describe). And once I was done acting like an out of control lunitic, She would simply say "What would love do?" There was a time in my youth,when I was so irrogant as to think that THIS was the most rediculus thing I HAD EVER HEARD! In my latter years I have come to realize(Thank God while she was still alive), that THIS saying is not only one of my most favorite from my mom, but the one that has taught THE MOST.

What would LOVE do? Would it judge, allow itself to be angered, try to get back at hate? No.Love would not return hate,nor anger,or judgement. Love would teach, & show compassion, heal & forgive. THAT'S what LOVE would do. That was her message..."be love" And that's exactly what she would tell me "Then go be LOVE Jame!". Come to think of it, THAT phrase was her pure essance...BE LOVE!

Another thing she used to say about us - "you & I aren't the bitches we portray ourselves to be Jame, yes when we hate, we truley hate w/everthing in us. But when we Love, we love with that same passion! - We know how to love, thats what's important". God I miss her, sometimes so much I can't find the words to describe.

Thank you Alsia for sharing something so personal as your journal. I'm honored. And I certianly see the message there, thank you for letting me be the one to share that synch w/you.Her message was very strong, and mama didn't raise no dummy! - Seeing as how you got that message not once, but twice & recognized it...YOU GO GIRL !

And I know that she knows, that you now understand. - & 123 just like that a healing...from across the universe!

Boy what WOMEN we have grown up to be eh? Musta had something to do w/our upbringing or more the "people" who brought us up!
I am so greatful for the chance to have known her, & greatful for the chance to continue to know you. Bless you & all of your's Alisa...and remember, Be Love. -Jame-