What wonderful perspectives you have, JJ! Whatever brought us together, mothers, destiny, pastlives, etc., it's brilliant and powerful (and I'm thankful).

I'm sorry for you losing your mom. I can see you were soooo close. And it is especially awful to imagine that there were suspicious circumstances. Is there any more that you can say about that? Have you had any contact with her spirit since she crossed?

I was close to my Mom (probably co-dependent), but I experienced distance when I moved halfway across the world from her. So over the many years of seeing her so infrequently, I acquired a large amount of independence from her and from extended family. It was not easy, but for me it was best. I wanted to release some of the old unhealthy ties and I didn't want to spend my days pining for people that I couldn't see or speak to frequently.

Still, I did love Mom. When she would travel to see me (bless her), it was heartwrenching to see her go. And the one time I went back home to visit her, it was like vivisection (sorry for the gruesome visual). It hurt so bad to think of leaving that the day before I was to leave, I spontaneously burst into sobs and couldn't stop long enough to let everyone know what was wrong and that I wasn't having a medical condition. It shocked me how much it hurt. I was reluctant to return home and experience that pain again. The pain was about missing Mom and home and familiarity, landscape, food, culture, etc. I knew that if I was going to have a successful life in Australia, I couldn't have a foot in both places, so I put both feet in Australia. And that created a continued, necessary unravelling of the original bond I had with my Mom.

Also, she had battled with cancer for years. There were a few times that I didn't fully expect her to make it. So I was aware of her mortality.

A bunch of spiritual encounters happened with me surrounding her death. But I felt peace right after she died and I knew she continued eternally. It was only months later that some part of me started really mourning her and feeling some deep grief and realizing that I am now "the mother" and no longer the maiden/child.

I do miss her. I mean, who could replace that one person who put up with all of your crap and loved you regardless, who would feel upset with you when you had a bad day and would rejoice in your triumphs as if it were their own? Lately I have had another series of dreams about her where I healed and aired more grief that was hiding underneath. I freely said out loud during the day, I miss you, Mom. And I could easily allow some tears right now. Makes me wonder when or if I'll ever be totally over it.



From back then