Hello,

Extract from my journal -

conversation with CSO X 20 March 2006

"... I then ask about the issue of my child going back to the day care mother's as is usual routine (past 2 years of child's life). Again CSO X said child is fine and doesn't need to go to daycare mothers anymore. I asked CSO X if reunification is the goal now. It is not.
She confirms that they will probably try and get 1 years extension to keep child away from me.
CSO X said I have to stay on medication long term and stop taking it at my will (additional note:- I was on an anti-depressant for post natal depression that my doctor advised me to take for 2 years, but not written anywhere; and this CSO is telling me this off her own back without any medical advice; and of course I can get pharmacy printouts of all the antidepressant medication I had dispensed over that past year period from child being a few months old to 2 years old - yes, I have that record in my possession).
CSO X told me I have to stick to one G.P. and that is part of my problem (wow what do you do when you can't get into your usual GP? Yep, you book into another one). CSO X told me that I needed to focus on my issues.

Later I rang mum.
She said CSO X has rung her that same morning. CSO X told my motyher that all this ringing around other departments may work against me.
I said but mum I just trying to find out reasons and policies that this department is making. I need t oinfrom myself so that I can gather any ammunition if needed.

22 March 2006 - I find a new solicitor.

23 March - my weekly access visit with child. Mum comes along for access visits now. My child's orange bibby is absolutely filthy. It is shades of dark brown. I am amazed.

24 March - 2nd appointment with docs chosen psychiatrist. This person gives me 2 pearls of wisdom - 1. not to ever expect support from the child's father and 2. get a good solicitor.
This psychiatrist informed me that she was going to recommend that child and I be reunited.
docs would have been privy to this opiinion at this time as well.

27 March 2006 - I ring a person who is an expert in the field of infant/parent attachment stuff. (Remember my child is now 3 1/2 years old), the psychiatrist recommended her. I talk to her about getting an assessment down with her.

I am now gathering affidavit material as per new solicitor's request.

My work colleague becomes amazing support. She takes an interest in what docs are doing andreads all the literature that is being pumped out. She said I sound worse than some of our sickest patients in the long term stay psychiatric ward (where I am in charge at times of the shift).
She states she had no idea docs worked like this. She said she would really want to make sure a child was bieng abused before doing mandatory reporting as a Registered Nurse.

I am becoming more aware of mandatory reporting as it has been introduced into Queelsnad Health for Registered Nurses. Every ward is now fitted with paperwork to complete even if we have suspicions and no obvious signs. The ante on mandatory reporting has increased in the year 2006. I start to become aware of what docs are doing with mental health clients. Once this was left to the social worker. I even attend inservice on this topic and can access heaps of stuff about docs throught the q'ld health intranet service. It looks all glossy on the outside - I must say.

30 March - weekly access visit at the departmental playgroup. Child still in foster care and I am only given one access visit per week that goes for 2 hours dispite me asking for more access visits. This time I had a large bag of child's winter clothes and toys. I am worried about well this foster family seem to provide for my child.

3 April - I am brought in for a meeting with CSO X and her direct supervisor. Just me alone (where was my new solicitor? She would have been made aware of this). Supervisor does most of the talking. They seemed to have what they wanted to say planned ahead. They weren't ready to listen to me I could see this. They said they did not have their psychiatrist report in yet (Addit; see they would have probably been told over the phone and not actually had it in writing) but they planned to go either of 2 ways. One was for a 12 month protection order or for child to go interstate and move 200km accross boarder into father's care as the father had now been given the clear.

Supervisor asked me about the planned termination and adoption thing. I informed her that I was once a por-active member for Children by Choice. I was even on the committee - I said as facing an unplanned pregnancy I wanted to make an infomed decision. She didn't seem to like that - I read the expresion on her face. She still wouldn't to this day know that I had a specialist appointment booked as well - but medical records could prove all this.

CSO X and her supervisor said but you said you were going t harm the child. I never said I was homicidal towards child but they weren't going to listen. 'But you said..' - it all seemed reminiscent of when the father said but you said you were going to terminate the foetus.
I left not crying but got out of there into the safety of my car where I could be alone.

That very night I had nightmares - I dreamt child was wearing a little dressing gown and was wet through with urine. I was helping child change into clean clothes.
I then woke and realised I was dreaming and that I was wet with perspiration. Then I dreamt I was paralysed down my right side and was trying tomove but getting tangled up in the bushes around my deceased nana's old home. Then I dreamt I was looking at nana's old bathroom. I saw this green bath that had the old claw legs and thought oh I'm glad chlid isnot here because the bath was brimming to the top with water. I didn't have any thoughts in my dream of harming child but because of the 'you said....' I thought I would be aproblem with the water if child was present. It was all bizarre dreams and I was distressed by it all through the night.

5 April 2006 - I rang docs chosen psychiatrist after work to enquire whether the report was completed and sent off to docs.

I then rang CSO X. She said that 'thoughts are enough for us.' when I said but I have never harmed child and have no intention of doing this.
Later CSO X rang back and said after father's access visit docs decided to send child back off with them (father and his old parents). Child now boing interstate to live in NSW.
I was a bit shocked.
I put the phone on loud speaker so my girlfriend who was in the house with me could listen in as well. CSO X said court was still going ahead the following week. I felt that this all sounds like it is over.
I felt that decisions were made and all the affidavit material was now useless. CSO X told me that father was now preparing to apply for sole custody of child in NSW courts and docs would 'opt out if the family law' handed chlid over to father. I said but what if father then gives child back to me? CSO X told me that docs would intervene take child off me and take me back to court. (I said this as father never wanted child before.)
She went on about how I had a clear plan about suiciding with child in the car and had 'verbalised this a number of times". (I ask when?)
I said but that is not true I keep telling you I am not suicidal and would not harm child.
CSO X pushed off this subject and brushed me off - this is very evident when listening to the tapes now - it's all on tape.

CSO X did NOT inform me of any abuse that occurred whilst infoster care, which I later find out from father.

I rang a few people like mum, my friends, the daycare mother, the woman I was trying to set up to do an assessment on us re: attachment stuff and docs chosen psychiatrist.
The daycare mum put it into context that child is best with family rather than being in foster care. That was good and I agree iwth this. I think I wasjust in shock and felt this was now finalised.
Mum said if the father and his parents have child then they would eventually want to give child back as the lifestyle change would be great and so 'take a fool's advice and don't get any more solicitor's involved...'. Mum knew how much this was costing me financially.

Docs chosen psychiatrist actually rang me back that Wednesday 5 April to say she thought docs were being 'underhanded' with me in this situation and not even considering her report ( which was recommending that child be reunited with mother and that she cannot see that child is at risk of harm from me).
This psychiatrist said she was going to ring up docs herself and have a chat.
She said she felt I really needed some support professioinally as well as my friends and family at this time. I follow her advice on this.

Somewher around this time I also speak with CSO X's supervisor who clearly informs me that reunification is not the goal. I think that is interesting considering docs chosen psychiatrist opinion would be available to docs as it is to me.

6 April - my weekly access visit is canned due to child now being 200km away accross the boarder. Child is living with the grandparents even though father lives only 4 kilometres from their house.
during my next access visit with child I send piles of clothes and piles of toys. I have experienced the other parent's inability to provide for his child.

I ring around 12.30pm from work to see if chid was ok. Father picked up the phone and so did child on another line in the grandparent's house. I say something like hi, just rang to say I know child is there and hope he is ok. child started talking and I started talking back to child (uh oh, I am not granted telephone contact at this stage and I know CSO X would hit the roof with knowledge of this).
"hello chid yes, it's mummy here, I will see you soon, I love you lots' and stufflike that whilst also talking to the father. Somewhere father asked child to get off the phone. This is when child starts crying " I want my mummy..." I could hear it all. Child ws really distressed adn crying for mummy. It would ahve been longer than he would usually cries for when he is upset at something. It was really heart wrenching stuff not to be able to console your own child. The father was still on another line in another part of the house and didn't go and console the child. It was someting I will never forget, that little child crying and trying to talk to mummy.
(addit - I am getting teary now re-living all this.)
Father then informed me (still on anther line in the house) that they weren't going to court now on the Tuesday. Father said docs may adjourn it as all the evidence wasn't in yet. I said I would ring back when child was asleep in the future.

That day I booked into seeing Centrecare counsellors to talk over the loss and grief issues of loosing my child and the unfolding events.

7 April 2006 - I had heard a car door close which was in the street somewhere close by. I ignored it as I thought it wouldn't be for me.
Then knock, knock - someone was at my front door.

It was the police.

Initially I wondered why the police were there as the man flashed his badge at me. Then I saw the little tape recorder and thought it was mine and they were going to charge me for taping CSO X and other docs workers on the phone. All these thought happened so quickly and I was confused.

I let them into thedining table area to sit down. I was pleasant and acted in my professional work manner.

They said they were sent by docs to ask me some questions. They had a little tape recorder just like mine and started to tape the conversation.
They asked me stuff like my name, d.o.b., address, child's name, d.o.b. father's name and where child was presently.
They told me their name and I now have a business card of this detective.
(addit - recently his name has been in the local paper - he is Detective Senior Constable....).
He looked like an ex criminal (addit - going by what a criminal looks like on TV and factoring in my kind of work I am involved in) with a forced smile on his face. His colleauge was a young, tall and skinny girl.

They said I have the right to remain silent and that what I said could be used against me. The man asked me in my own workds did I understnad. They said I have the right to have a solicitior present. I then excused myself and called my solicitor. The secretary then called solicitor on their mobile who then rang me back and said 'say nothing and get them out of there...'.
I did chat to them briefly and asked if I could tape them back and produced my identical little tape player, they said no.
I relayed this message onto them and politely asked these police officers to leave my house.

I think this is another ploy of docs to try and get information to hang me by on tuesday's court hearing 11 April.
It smells like a conspiracy to me. What are they trying to prove? Something excapes me. Even to this day I am still confused. Even police searches were carried out on me.

Docs would now have their chosen psychiatrist report stating that is favourable towards reunification and then her phone call to them saying they were 'underhanded' in the way it was all being handled by them not to mention the fact of now sending child off interstate.

Upon reflection docs must have madly writtne all those affidavits back the same day before the court session in response to my numerous affidavits that were filed in court. Gee, they put a lot of energy into it. Affidavits from all of them (with a docs style slant).
Is this becoming a waste of the tax payers' money?

Why would all this case be so important to send out the plain clothes police to interrogate me just days before the court hearing?

11 April - court day. Number 4 time in court now.
There was all the affidavit material prepared from my side plus things like how I had enrolled child into 'All Saints" school from when child was 1 yo.
But there was plenty of new ammunition from docs side. CSO X put in some made up things, like me saying to child 'sorry, sorry I cannot lookafter you". That is pretty subjective! And even when I did have post natal depression when child was about 4 months old all the many photos show (document that PND did not impinge on my ability to care effectively for child - I have even got photos of cradle cap treatment, various days in cot, tummy time, nappy free time. Everyone who knows me knows I am a mad photographer and nothing escapes me.
CSO X wrote that I had not being on top of things since child's birth. More subjective stuff. I am wondering how deos one go to work part-time in a mental health ward, look after a small child alone, renovate the house, have an independent business as a baby sitter. I thought I was pretty high functioning myself!
CSO X wrote that I was more focussed on myself than on child. Wow where does she source her stuff from?
CSO X went on about me not having psychiatric follow up (for what?) and brought one of my GP's into it. I asked this GP later about this and he didn't seem to know what I was talking about.
CSO X wrote thatmy suicidal ideationhad not changed (despite me telling her and her supervisor I wasn't and then having told her on phone this again after this). Of course I have it on tape telling her before whe wrote this affidavit that I was not suicidal/ homicidal.
CSO X said that I needed to ahve those holidays back in February 2006 (when they took child off me) to 'sort myself out' yet I have proof that I put in for holidays some 6 months prior in 2005 due to the leave I was accruing. In fact I put in another leave application to reduce my ititial 6 weeks to only 4 weeks.
Source please docs to your affidavit material??
Then she said I told her I was going bakc to work full time andwould only be available for access visits after 4 pm. What? Souce please!
CSO X wrote that child 'needed a parent whom is able to demonstrate a dommitment to the therapeutic needs in relation to her issues with child's father' - wow I have th edaycare mother as the hand over person so that I had little to do with father as possible and had contact ordres in place which were updated by me in December 2005. Wow, I am not responsible for the abuse that comes out this man's mouth and his snide comments. Even the parernal grandmother said to me that father is difficult to deal with. Sorry another issue here and I am getting side tracked.CSO X went on about ' this is concerning to the department given that mother is supposed
to be on regular dosage of Zoloft to treat her current mental health issue'. She still didn't have any written medical evidence that I was supposed to be on Zoloft and was non-compliant with some medication regieme.
CSO X even brought my sister into it stating that 'mother had never wanted any assistance from her or some other family memeber since child's birth and that she was not well and she was very concerned abou ther caring for child'.Later I asked my sister about this and she denied it to me.Docs didn't recognise that my sister and her child were always over here and I often cooked up large amounts of freezer meals for her child and was doing this 4 days prior to docs interviewing me.
CSO X even got in about me ringing the after-hours abuse line (when I was very concerned about conditions my child seemed to be facing in foster care - starving and dirty) and put her twist on it.

The false evidence continued. I started to realise that the truth doesn't matter. It is who can be the biggest and most convincing liar in court. docs were excelling at it.
Remember I say docs have no end to resources to fight you in court.
Excuse the swearing but 'fuck the child, docs can't admit fault'. My solicitor said it looked like docs had rallied around CSO X in her fight against me. I couldn't help but feel it was getting personal.

Amazingly she was right when she indirectly fired that threat at me, via my mother, not to complain as it would all go against me.

There were numerous other things writtenthat were incorrect. CSOX even wrote that SCAN coming to visit me and 'expressing grave concerns for the welfare of the child'.
Incidentally, SCAN never visited me again s omuch for the grave concerns fo rthe child.
It was so weird that she was trying so hard against child and me being together. I noted that she had just graduated from uni some 6 months prior to that ill fated day Friday, February 10 2006.
And there were more twisted affidavits from the supervisor. Outright lies that enraged who she involved in her lies.

BUT in court docs NEVER mentioned that child was abused whilst in foster care ( and I still wasn't aware). CSO X actually wrote about child being happy in foster care!
They never mentioned that they had written to father's solicitor to support father's now separate case in the NSW Family Law for sole custody and were in effect trying to dump off this case.
I wasn't aware of this letter and abuse until later...."

ok, to be continued - if you want to hear and docs haven't had me shot dead before then! Again nothing like a bit of healthy paranoia when dealing with this government agency.

Again excuse all typos.

Good night and God bless.